Technology in the turn of the century

Bonjour! I hope all is well with your good self and that life is beaming as gloriously as the sun in a filterless radiancey that is making you levitate with wonder. Onto something I have been pondering of late with the explosion of tablet computers; technology and its quantum leap into the 21st century. Experts say that Technology evolves in spans of exponential, concentrated growth. When I think about this and stage technology was at when I was a kid, I find it astounding to think where we might be in 50 years time. Hopefully I will be around to write a follow up to this then - or to 'speak a reply' to a device which records my words and translates it into text, to be then 'shared' on the internet which will be contained within our bloody contact lenses. It may sound outrageous but that technology is actually being developed as we speak. Some experts believe that in order for humanity to ultimately survive we must embrace cybernetics as the next progressive step in human evolution. Ironically voice-to-text software already exists however, like a great deal of technology available to the consumer today, it works about as efficiantly as Gandalf's 897 year old penis. We can 'send a man to the moon' but we cant get the internet to work on our phones properly? What a sham because lets be honest, its just not possible to whack off to 3 inch pictures that take 6 minutes to load. I remember the phone my grandfather had when I was a young boy. It was shaped like an upside down Christmas pudding bowl, the receiver propped up on four prongs and accompanied by a circular dialling reel system that makes dialling a number feel like you're powering up the warp core in the Starship Enterprise. How did we get to the point, in only a decade, that phones are now small enough to fit into our ears? The dawn of programmable computers in the 1930's began the slow burning fire that raged for nearly 35 years until the first notable explosion of exponential technological growth in the 1970's. The mushroom cloud of this new age flinted out the giant present day, corporate embers such as Apple & IBM for example. The 1990's streamlined computers into a household device. Now we walk around with them in the palm of our hands in the form of tablet computers - thinner than a 60 page pamphlet and with the capability to interact with like minded devices all around it through a virtual storage space nicely named 'cloud'; its seems the technology itself is indeed evolving also. Next up, Skynet and the rise of the machines? Exoskeleton suits of armour that allow a man to lift 200 times the weight of the strongest man, are currently in use; 3D faxing is in development. Shape shifting cars made of lightweight but almost impenetrable fabric is said to be the vehicle of the future. What about the technology of the human brain? On average we only use 10% of our neurological potential; what happens when we finally evolve to use the full power of the ultimate computer that sits protected behind the firewall of bone? Are the Hollywood movies of today really that far off? Is it too much to think that the computer technology of today, which is so advanced, so expensive and so complex, is an actual robot that will be able to think freely and walk and talk and move like a human being? Well, the walking, talking technological equivalent of the 90's is now in almost every household in the world in the form of a laptop or a desktop or tablet computer. We cant live without the technology of today anymore. We are moving forward at a dangerous pace and the next 50 years will encompass evolution of technology that will challenge those even with the most challenging of imaginations in this present day. Which leads me to my next post: Space & Time.

Dec

Kev Doyle explodes into Mixed Martial Arts with a 'Smash'

There was a crispness in the icy air about the Drumcondra Regency Hotel last night, not because of the impending winter or the fact that we've all felt the cold blunt of the inequities of the Irish government - rather, it was the rope that harbours a boat in the calm before a storm: taught with tension, morbid in its curiosity and unrivalled in its subsequent unleashing of fury. I was there for one reason and one reason only, to support a friend in a proverbial cock fight. Entering the Regency Hotel I didnt know what to expect but passing the threshold into the overtly professional setup electrocuted me back into the reality of just how serious this event was. 80 inch tv screens lined the walls with HD broadcast quality cameras following the in-the-ring-action, doctors at the ready, a fully kitted prep room and prefight interviews to boot: Mixed Martial Arts, man versus man in an octagon with nowhere to run and only your 8-ounce-glove-covered fists, knees and legs to prevent you from being beaten into the canvass; that is exactly what Kev 'smash' Doyle did in his official MMA debut. His opponent, Alan Skelly was a braver man than many, most would agree to face such a intimidating threat in the middleweight category of this modern medieval battle. It was the fourth fight of the night and for those who didnt know the chronological fight arrangement, but who have the pleasure of knowing Kev Doyle personally, they would have instantly known he was on his way to the ring when 'Why cant we be friends' blasted out across the arena as his entrance music, as ironic as his humour may be, there was nothing ironic about what was to come. They met squarely in the centre of their coliseum as the referee spoke of them the rules: 'No low blows, no tyson biting and even though you're both half naked and rolling around on the ground for the pleasure of hundreds of people, try not to get carried away' - im sure he said. They touch gloves and the fight is on. Kev moved forward like a steaming locomotive pile driving into Skelly with an unparallelled reckoning. Quickly going for the midsection and shutting down his opponents offensive, the reasoning behind Kev 'Smash' Doyles nickname became apparant in the form of an over the head bodyslam - the first of only 2 to happen in any of the fights of the night. Skelly hit the canvass with a thunder that could be heard in outer mongolia as the crowd winced at the sound of his body crashing down in a crumbling mess. Most would agree that from this moment the fight was over as Doyle squashed Skelly into the mesh corner trying to get full mount and delivered what can only be described as 4 absolute haymakers followed by a flurry of rabbit punches and straight face blows. However, Skelly managed, in credit to him to somehow get to his feet again. Kev maintained control and pulled a few punches in lieu of not sacrificing his advantage, steering the fight his own way. Kev then swung backwards on himself, twirling around to garner a more solid standing advantage. From there he bullied Skelly to the adjacent side of the octagon, maintaining his low center of gravity and completely disabling any intention that Skelly may have had to attack by going for the midsection again, this time only to deliver the second smash - hoisting Skelly 6 feet into the air and quite literally planting him head first into the hardened soil. From there Doyle seized his chance and pounced, getting full mount with ease and after careful calculation and surgical precision, delivered 11 splintering nuclear warheads to Skellys face that prompted the referee to step in and stop the fight, declaring Kev Doyle the winner. The rapturous applause of the coolmine bjj support resounded the Regency hotel with no words, rather euphoria for a man who not only beat his opponent, his own demons and what I can only assume were natural nerves, to transcend getting lost in his moment by walking over to Skelly who sat in the center of the octagon with his head hanging low and outstretching his hand; pulling him back to his feet. They say you should dress for the job you want and Doyles actions would suggest he wants to be the top dog as his attitude both in the ring and in a graceful, non complacent victory, points to only one thing - a potential Champion. However, He and his coach Luke Corcoran were the first to say to me personally that hype means nothing, its the training and the will produce success. Kev Doyle explodes into mixed martial arts with a 'Smash'...

A funny thing, is Life...

Long has the mystery of our existence been pondered. From the documented thoughts of the greatest minds to have ever lived, right through to those quiet, still and poignant moments in ourselves that keep our eyes wide in the dead of a sleepless night. We can traverse the globe in a matter of hours using great flying vehicles, we can perform incredibly invasive surguries and navigate through the most tender parts of the human brain with damageless results, yet still the most pertinent question eludes us: 'Why are we here?'. From the inception of human life, wherever that idea may lie, to the triumphs of humanity lies a void, a bottomless chasm that holds the answers to life on planet earth. Many believe that all is revealed when you pass away and many believe this is merely a stage in a series of never ending labrynth that sings our immortality. What do you believe? Have you ever allowed your mind to fall into the bottomless chasm in search for an explanation that is comprehensible to you? Have you ever thought of what lies beyond the sea of tranquility? Have you ever considered the miracle of life from its simplest beginning? Thinking of these things and conjuring your own conclusion, in my opinion is as valid as the theories of genius' such as Issac Newton or Albert Einstein. Why do I make such a bold statement?;Because as intelligent and educated as these great men were, the information available to them at the time was merely based on theory. Today, the same smokescreen faces every joe soap: look for answers about the moon landing and you will find conspiracies such that Stanley Kubrick was enlisted by the CIA to stage the moon landing, in an effort to suppress the Russians from winning the space race. You will find documents recently released by the FBI confirming that there was a UFO 'disk' recovered in Roswell in 1947 - You will even find cover ups that go so far as to theorize that there is an active alien base on the dark side of the moon and that the United States government and indeed the governments of the world, are in constant communication with alien forces to benefit mutual education. This post is not a fact finder on the conspiracies of the world but as we entrust ourselves to the media everyday through the form of newspapers, the internet and television, one cannot help but take a step back and come to the realisation that everything we know, everything we see, hear and read is a controlled perception of the reality that surrounds us. I believe the evolution of humanity has in a way, prevented itself from evolving further; imagine if greed, war and religious division was non-existent? Imagine the progress, imagine the lack of distraction we would obtain. How, in todays societies do we measure the success of our lives? Well that depends on whether you're a conformist or an independent. There in lies another problem, conformism aids involvement, acceptance - that warm fuzzy feeling you get when someone embraces you. So what is the cost of assessing yourself and standing your own ground and making your own decisions based of the facts that are presented to you? Does it REALLY matter if you walk past a group of strangers and they suddenly begin to snigger? Logically it shouldnt because you'll most likely never see them again however it is our innate desire to be accepted that propels so many of us into the norm. However, when you're lying at home staring at that black, dark ceiling and you're wondering where you're going to go when you die - things seem a litte different right? I cant recall a great many things about my childhood, at least in a way that gives me vivid access to its existence yet, I know and feel how I have grown - as do we all. My memories and feelings are locked centrally in a place that doesnt anatomically exist in my body. A funny thing is life, as we must ultimately meet the end. But I challenge you this, try to see the world as it is around you, not as it is shown to you. Look at the tree's and running water and think about the exactness of how every relevant essential to human life exists and does so through nature. Think about all of the mathematical equations it takes to calculate the success of something so grand as the earths formation, its containment of human life and its ability to protect that life from everything that surrounds it. Why are we truly here? To make millions and live like kings and queens? There was once no such thing as money. I personally believe that life is the trip down that bottomless chasm and that the answers do not lie at the end, wherever and whenever that may be - rather they are woven into the very fabric of the walls of that bottomless pit. And as we fall, we make the choices that create what our individual lives are ultimately about. Yes this was a longwinded way to say 'life is what you make of it', but when you accept your journey and your fate, life unravels itself as no great mystery at all. There is no meaning that we can yet comprehend. There is no destination but a void into which we must all step. The only question you must ask yourself is, 'what does life mean to me?' - and when you search the deepest part of your body that doesnt anatomically exist and you accept what you find; you will enjoy your freefall all the more. I do not know what happens when we die but I like to hope in something I once heard: That all of the things we learn on our journey, all of our experiences and our feelings; like running water, it must go somewhere...

Declan Greene

A mix of things that annoy me

"How much money do you have left before your pay day Declan!?". Mother im 25 will you LEAVE ME ALONE I... OH HI GUYS, I didnt see you there. How are we post Halloween 2010? I saw some great costumes this year that were no doubt inspired by true icons; myself (aptly) as Horatio Caine from CSI, a fantastic Beetle Juice, a film replica Bobba Fett (Phillips!), a Priest with an inward facing child strapped to his groin and perhaps the most iconic; an evening Herald traffic-light-salesman. Excellent. Well today Im here to talk about the everyday things that really grind my gears. For example the type of fucker that takes forever at the ATM machine; Have you ever been tempted to pull their pants down? I have, only because for some reason we tend to stare at the backs of their legs while we're waiting for them to figure out how much to withdraw on their abacus for cappers. I cannot understand what is so perplexing about navigating through 3 option screens using fat-finger-friendly buttons? I once got so impatient behind an Indian man that I told him I left my baby out in the car and that I really needed to get back to him. After he let me use the machine I turned to him and said; 'Thank you, its just he's been out there for the last 4 hours' - I picked up my shopping bags and darted off. What about the gobshite who drives at 15mph through 50mph speed zone; this really drives me mad especially if im in a rush. Usually I beep like crazy and as I FINALLY over take them I notice it was a 96 year old man who's just putting all of his focus on not dying at the wheel; after which its too late to retract my middle finger and the deep feeling of guilt that promptly follows. While we're on motorists, I cant understand the idiots that indicate on one way turns? Whats that about? Does that mean car manufacturer's should build a 'straight on' indicator that always flashes until the car has to turn? Morans. Not to mention the 'royal' pedestrians who just saunter across the road without a care in the world? Oh its ok, there's only 500kilos of metal and steel racing towards you, but you still have time to bend down and tie the shoe laces I should be strangling you with you absolute prick. What is it about motorists when they see someone trying to traverse a lane or pull out of a garage that makes them say to themselves 'this bastard isnt getting in, in front of me'. ITS A ROAD YOU ABSOLUTE ARSEHOLE NOT A FORMULA ONE RACE. Then theres the 'moral ones' that wont let cars that have passed them using the bus lane, into regular traffic because they've been robot enough to sit in the traffic jam for the last 3 hours. SO WHAT?! Does it not make more sense to slow down and let the car in rather than speed up to try force an accident? But I really hate when you step on droplets of water in a pair of fresh warm socks - what an absolutely disgusting feeling. Birds singing in the morning at nesting season really upsets me too; 5am they're up singing a wonderful melody that spells out; 'we're so happy we love getting up in the morning and singing carefree tunes that will not only wake you, but will remind you of how monotonous your life is because OH LOOK, YOU'RE UP FOR WORK IN 2 HOURS!! TWEET TWEET tweet TWEET tweet TWEET TWEET TWEET'. Does something annoy you? If so, let me know so I can rant about it. Now piss off.

Social Networking...and Farmville

Hello my elven friends I hope you are all well in the midst of
Christmas 2010. Something ive been meaning to post about for some time now, is social networking and Facebook. Why? It has me split down the middle the same way I am about Glee - I hate it, but im addicted to it. Recently I have been trying to remember what I used to do online before the invention of bebo or facebook. Bebo of course was just an international swingers affiliate for teenagers, moonlighting as a social networking site so naturally when my online pimp business was exposed, I reverted back to having to fill my time aimlessly once again. I mulled this over in my head and I tried to recall the sites I visited before the online networking bubble exploded....and I cant remember... *cough*REDTUBE,ILOVEPANDA's.com and ratemypieball.net *cough*. Although I do know that even before I had a mobile phone at the tender age of 16, I used to physically knock into my friends houses to see if they wanted to come out to play, as opposed to leaving them a message on their personalised webpage having seen them an hour earlier stating 'Hi, what time will we meet up tonight?'. The ideal is just one big gigantic egotistal indulgance that we've all uncontrollably been sucked into. For instance before Facebook, would your friend who had a secret obsession with becoming a commercial model have greeted you at the door in a bikini striking blue steel? Highly unlikely - so why post pictures of yourself in an ablum entitled 'lilly shoot', as if it is was a real event at which you were paid to model and not the other way round? Please, you're just showing off your fantastic breasts and my God they are fantastic might I add. Or would you call over to your friends house before making a cup of tea and state; 'Just putting on the kettle, then settling in for X-Factor', and just walk away? I think not my friends. So what is this post really about? Perhaps the backward evolution of social networking rather than the concept of it? Yes, I like that. So, what do I 'like' about social networking? (see what I did there?). Well, I would like to think its creation was the brainchild of someone who thought to connect people from all around the world and not necessarily a group of next-door neighbours or indeed someone sitting across the room from you, through the miracle of our generation that is, the world wide web. But then some really annoying person went and invented Farmville... It could only have been conceived by someone in RTE since it revolves solely around, wait for it..... A FARM! I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE WOULD WANT TO INVEST THEIR TIME IN SOMETHING SO UTTERLY POINTLESS?! Quick! Lets nurture the virtual grass, then lets milk a cow and afterwards lets meet up in the disco barn for a virtual pig orgy. Seriously!? This is the 21st century, if you're going to build digital frontiers, invent a world like TRON or the Matrix where you can ride around on cool looking motorcycles instead of a tractor. I also wish people would stop posting 'locked' questions on my page - the answers to which rest behind a very annoying process of downloading the 'app', acquiring a series of Tesco points and then having to post questions about that person on my own page! Usually I dont even bother but its always convenient that someone you fancy happens to post a provocative question like 'Do you think Deco is hot?' - after which you cant help but wade through all of the crap in the hope that it will be worth it in the end... which usually it isn't because everytime the answer is 'no, he's too short'(thanks for that Rita, well I think you're a fat tramp how about that?). The thing about facebook is that its becoming impossible to live without; I mean I woke up in the middle of the night last night to drop the browns off at the superbowl and I actually brought my phone to check my facebook!? Now that's a serious problem. Has it lost its meaning? Its novelty? Is it now an extension of ourselves? All of our pictures, all of our status updates - has it evolved into a projection of ourselves woven so subvertly into our subconscious fabric that it has created a new part of us? Are we characters on our own social networking webpage or are we truly ourselves? Who airs dirty laundry after all? The reality is, ultimately its about control and perception - and the ability to control perception. Dont like something someone has written on your page?-delete it. Dont like a photo you've been tagged in - de-tag it. The power rests in the touch of a button and you control the perception the world has of you. Its glorious. Perhaps we've become addicted to being the online version of ourselves? Perhaps Im talking absolute shite. Who knows? But ask yourself, what are you really looking for when you login to Facebook? I know what Im looking for; that album entitled 'lilly shoot'.

Bottomline: Social Networking has fallen victim to backward evolution and is now just another form of the television. Why not read an interesting book instead of doing some virtual stalking?

Deco

Cinema Confectionary counters

Hello my wonderful bluetitted brothers and sisters, how are we today? Great, good for you. Fuck off. Some of you may know Im a big Cinema goer; from the first film I ever saw in the Tallaght picturehouse in 1993 (Dennis the menace), to the 3 times a week I go today; I thoroughly enjoy kicking back with a bucket of popcorn in a dark room full of strangers and masturbating furiously to a 27 foot pair of celebrity bangers. Sex scenes aside, I just enjoy the idea of watching an epic battle or becoming emersed in the visuals of an alien planet, on a screen that is literally 800 times bigger than my TV at home. Seriously, who doesnt? But I do have one gripe: The confectionary stand. I think Ive reached the point where I believe there is an essential degree of ineptitude that is looked for when these primates are being interviewed for the job. With the invention of Facebook and how employers use it to scout candidates, I can only assume in this case they look for statements under the 'about me' section alikened to; 'Hi, Im Deborah and I enjoy eating hats' and 'Hello there, Im Jonathan, In my spare time I like to go to the park and feed deer'. However their process of recruitment unfolds Im sure its something very very special - and I dont mean special in a Leona Lewis high-note kind of way (I actually levitated during her debut performance of 'Run' - it was glorious). Maybe its ironic that when Im going to see a remake of Dawn of the dead, the staff monkeys are bumbling around behind the popcorn stand mumbling inaudible idiosyncrasies of the very Zombies from that film; 'Braaains'. It once took so long to prepare my highly complex order of popcorn, a hotdog and a large Coke that I missed the first 15 minutes of The Dark Knight; the clerk was drooling out one side of his mouth, his eyes looked like big black bong balls and he clambered around like a bid awkward daddy long legs. Not to mention, he sold me a ticket for a showing that started an hour earlier. That was clever wasnt it you bottomfeeder? Then when they finally complete the task you've given them, they deliver a smug kind of look of accomplishment. Sorry but you can stick that weiner right up your ringhole. I used to work in a cinema when I was younger, I thought it would be a great job because I loved films so much. But make no mistake, a ground level cinema job is just a cleaning job. I recall I had been asked to clean the toilets because some little beaver-child bastard had blasted a fecal avalanche out of his arse with such force that the ceramic exploded; instantly killing the kid and flooding the bathroom in a thick layered liquid shite blanket. There I stood looking at the shit just floating on by, mop in hand, shit everywhere, so much shit. Big black brown shit. There was so much shit I didnt know where the old shit ended and the new shit began. I hate shit. So, the great employee that I was, I plotted a route to the toilet bowl, reached over the log that was blocking my way and flushed the toilet again. The shit just kept coming. It looked like the toilet was getting sick, only the vomit was shit. I put cones outside the toilet restricting entry. Then I went to locker room for a couple of minutes. My team leader at the time came to me; 'Declan did you clean the toilet?'. I replied; 'yes why?'. He responded, 'its flooded again, someone must have flushed'. Declan responds -'No way, well i've cleaned it, can you get someone else to clean it again please?' - 'Sure'. SLAM DUNK! Im off to to the Ben & Jerry's stand to eat one of their revoltingly named ice-creams. Yes nothing makes me want to spend 11Euro on an egg cup sized portion of ice-cream like the name 'Phish food' (Conjures up a pong of stale tuna), 'Fossil Fuel' (Oh yes, lets eat something thats named after toxic gases that are formed from dead organisms) and 'Smores' (Sounds like a smurf thrush infection). Actually, after writing this post Im never going to the cinema again...

Bottomline - Deer eat grass Jonathan