A funny thing, is Life...

Long has the mystery of our existence been pondered. From the documented thoughts of the greatest minds to have ever lived, right through to those quiet, still and poignant moments in ourselves that keep our eyes wide in the dead of a sleepless night. We can traverse the globe in a matter of hours using great flying vehicles, we can perform incredibly invasive surguries and navigate through the most tender parts of the human brain with damageless results, yet still the most pertinent question eludes us: 'Why are we here?'. From the inception of human life, wherever that idea may lie, to the triumphs of humanity lies a void, a bottomless chasm that holds the answers to life on planet earth. Many believe that all is revealed when you pass away and many believe this is merely a stage in a series of never ending labrynth that sings our immortality. What do you believe? Have you ever allowed your mind to fall into the bottomless chasm in search for an explanation that is comprehensible to you? Have you ever thought of what lies beyond the sea of tranquility? Have you ever considered the miracle of life from its simplest beginning? Thinking of these things and conjuring your own conclusion, in my opinion is as valid as the theories of genius' such as Issac Newton or Albert Einstein. Why do I make such a bold statement?;Because as intelligent and educated as these great men were, the information available to them at the time was merely based on theory. Today, the same smokescreen faces every joe soap: look for answers about the moon landing and you will find conspiracies such that Stanley Kubrick was enlisted by the CIA to stage the moon landing, in an effort to suppress the Russians from winning the space race. You will find documents recently released by the FBI confirming that there was a UFO 'disk' recovered in Roswell in 1947 - You will even find cover ups that go so far as to theorize that there is an active alien base on the dark side of the moon and that the United States government and indeed the governments of the world, are in constant communication with alien forces to benefit mutual education. This post is not a fact finder on the conspiracies of the world but as we entrust ourselves to the media everyday through the form of newspapers, the internet and television, one cannot help but take a step back and come to the realisation that everything we know, everything we see, hear and read is a controlled perception of the reality that surrounds us. I believe the evolution of humanity has in a way, prevented itself from evolving further; imagine if greed, war and religious division was non-existent? Imagine the progress, imagine the lack of distraction we would obtain. How, in todays societies do we measure the success of our lives? Well that depends on whether you're a conformist or an independent. There in lies another problem, conformism aids involvement, acceptance - that warm fuzzy feeling you get when someone embraces you. So what is the cost of assessing yourself and standing your own ground and making your own decisions based of the facts that are presented to you? Does it REALLY matter if you walk past a group of strangers and they suddenly begin to snigger? Logically it shouldnt because you'll most likely never see them again however it is our innate desire to be accepted that propels so many of us into the norm. However, when you're lying at home staring at that black, dark ceiling and you're wondering where you're going to go when you die - things seem a litte different right? I cant recall a great many things about my childhood, at least in a way that gives me vivid access to its existence yet, I know and feel how I have grown - as do we all. My memories and feelings are locked centrally in a place that doesnt anatomically exist in my body. A funny thing is life, as we must ultimately meet the end. But I challenge you this, try to see the world as it is around you, not as it is shown to you. Look at the tree's and running water and think about the exactness of how every relevant essential to human life exists and does so through nature. Think about all of the mathematical equations it takes to calculate the success of something so grand as the earths formation, its containment of human life and its ability to protect that life from everything that surrounds it. Why are we truly here? To make millions and live like kings and queens? There was once no such thing as money. I personally believe that life is the trip down that bottomless chasm and that the answers do not lie at the end, wherever and whenever that may be - rather they are woven into the very fabric of the walls of that bottomless pit. And as we fall, we make the choices that create what our individual lives are ultimately about. Yes this was a longwinded way to say 'life is what you make of it', but when you accept your journey and your fate, life unravels itself as no great mystery at all. There is no meaning that we can yet comprehend. There is no destination but a void into which we must all step. The only question you must ask yourself is, 'what does life mean to me?' - and when you search the deepest part of your body that doesnt anatomically exist and you accept what you find; you will enjoy your freefall all the more. I do not know what happens when we die but I like to hope in something I once heard: That all of the things we learn on our journey, all of our experiences and our feelings; like running water, it must go somewhere...

Declan Greene

A mix of things that annoy me

"How much money do you have left before your pay day Declan!?". Mother im 25 will you LEAVE ME ALONE I... OH HI GUYS, I didnt see you there. How are we post Halloween 2010? I saw some great costumes this year that were no doubt inspired by true icons; myself (aptly) as Horatio Caine from CSI, a fantastic Beetle Juice, a film replica Bobba Fett (Phillips!), a Priest with an inward facing child strapped to his groin and perhaps the most iconic; an evening Herald traffic-light-salesman. Excellent. Well today Im here to talk about the everyday things that really grind my gears. For example the type of fucker that takes forever at the ATM machine; Have you ever been tempted to pull their pants down? I have, only because for some reason we tend to stare at the backs of their legs while we're waiting for them to figure out how much to withdraw on their abacus for cappers. I cannot understand what is so perplexing about navigating through 3 option screens using fat-finger-friendly buttons? I once got so impatient behind an Indian man that I told him I left my baby out in the car and that I really needed to get back to him. After he let me use the machine I turned to him and said; 'Thank you, its just he's been out there for the last 4 hours' - I picked up my shopping bags and darted off. What about the gobshite who drives at 15mph through 50mph speed zone; this really drives me mad especially if im in a rush. Usually I beep like crazy and as I FINALLY over take them I notice it was a 96 year old man who's just putting all of his focus on not dying at the wheel; after which its too late to retract my middle finger and the deep feeling of guilt that promptly follows. While we're on motorists, I cant understand the idiots that indicate on one way turns? Whats that about? Does that mean car manufacturer's should build a 'straight on' indicator that always flashes until the car has to turn? Morans. Not to mention the 'royal' pedestrians who just saunter across the road without a care in the world? Oh its ok, there's only 500kilos of metal and steel racing towards you, but you still have time to bend down and tie the shoe laces I should be strangling you with you absolute prick. What is it about motorists when they see someone trying to traverse a lane or pull out of a garage that makes them say to themselves 'this bastard isnt getting in, in front of me'. ITS A ROAD YOU ABSOLUTE ARSEHOLE NOT A FORMULA ONE RACE. Then theres the 'moral ones' that wont let cars that have passed them using the bus lane, into regular traffic because they've been robot enough to sit in the traffic jam for the last 3 hours. SO WHAT?! Does it not make more sense to slow down and let the car in rather than speed up to try force an accident? But I really hate when you step on droplets of water in a pair of fresh warm socks - what an absolutely disgusting feeling. Birds singing in the morning at nesting season really upsets me too; 5am they're up singing a wonderful melody that spells out; 'we're so happy we love getting up in the morning and singing carefree tunes that will not only wake you, but will remind you of how monotonous your life is because OH LOOK, YOU'RE UP FOR WORK IN 2 HOURS!! TWEET TWEET tweet TWEET tweet TWEET TWEET TWEET'. Does something annoy you? If so, let me know so I can rant about it. Now piss off.

Social Networking...and Farmville

Hello my elven friends I hope you are all well in the midst of
Christmas 2010. Something ive been meaning to post about for some time now, is social networking and Facebook. Why? It has me split down the middle the same way I am about Glee - I hate it, but im addicted to it. Recently I have been trying to remember what I used to do online before the invention of bebo or facebook. Bebo of course was just an international swingers affiliate for teenagers, moonlighting as a social networking site so naturally when my online pimp business was exposed, I reverted back to having to fill my time aimlessly once again. I mulled this over in my head and I tried to recall the sites I visited before the online networking bubble exploded....and I cant remember... *cough*REDTUBE,ILOVEPANDA's.com and ratemypieball.net *cough*. Although I do know that even before I had a mobile phone at the tender age of 16, I used to physically knock into my friends houses to see if they wanted to come out to play, as opposed to leaving them a message on their personalised webpage having seen them an hour earlier stating 'Hi, what time will we meet up tonight?'. The ideal is just one big gigantic egotistal indulgance that we've all uncontrollably been sucked into. For instance before Facebook, would your friend who had a secret obsession with becoming a commercial model have greeted you at the door in a bikini striking blue steel? Highly unlikely - so why post pictures of yourself in an ablum entitled 'lilly shoot', as if it is was a real event at which you were paid to model and not the other way round? Please, you're just showing off your fantastic breasts and my God they are fantastic might I add. Or would you call over to your friends house before making a cup of tea and state; 'Just putting on the kettle, then settling in for X-Factor', and just walk away? I think not my friends. So what is this post really about? Perhaps the backward evolution of social networking rather than the concept of it? Yes, I like that. So, what do I 'like' about social networking? (see what I did there?). Well, I would like to think its creation was the brainchild of someone who thought to connect people from all around the world and not necessarily a group of next-door neighbours or indeed someone sitting across the room from you, through the miracle of our generation that is, the world wide web. But then some really annoying person went and invented Farmville... It could only have been conceived by someone in RTE since it revolves solely around, wait for it..... A FARM! I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE WOULD WANT TO INVEST THEIR TIME IN SOMETHING SO UTTERLY POINTLESS?! Quick! Lets nurture the virtual grass, then lets milk a cow and afterwards lets meet up in the disco barn for a virtual pig orgy. Seriously!? This is the 21st century, if you're going to build digital frontiers, invent a world like TRON or the Matrix where you can ride around on cool looking motorcycles instead of a tractor. I also wish people would stop posting 'locked' questions on my page - the answers to which rest behind a very annoying process of downloading the 'app', acquiring a series of Tesco points and then having to post questions about that person on my own page! Usually I dont even bother but its always convenient that someone you fancy happens to post a provocative question like 'Do you think Deco is hot?' - after which you cant help but wade through all of the crap in the hope that it will be worth it in the end... which usually it isn't because everytime the answer is 'no, he's too short'(thanks for that Rita, well I think you're a fat tramp how about that?). The thing about facebook is that its becoming impossible to live without; I mean I woke up in the middle of the night last night to drop the browns off at the superbowl and I actually brought my phone to check my facebook!? Now that's a serious problem. Has it lost its meaning? Its novelty? Is it now an extension of ourselves? All of our pictures, all of our status updates - has it evolved into a projection of ourselves woven so subvertly into our subconscious fabric that it has created a new part of us? Are we characters on our own social networking webpage or are we truly ourselves? Who airs dirty laundry after all? The reality is, ultimately its about control and perception - and the ability to control perception. Dont like something someone has written on your page?-delete it. Dont like a photo you've been tagged in - de-tag it. The power rests in the touch of a button and you control the perception the world has of you. Its glorious. Perhaps we've become addicted to being the online version of ourselves? Perhaps Im talking absolute shite. Who knows? But ask yourself, what are you really looking for when you login to Facebook? I know what Im looking for; that album entitled 'lilly shoot'.

Bottomline: Social Networking has fallen victim to backward evolution and is now just another form of the television. Why not read an interesting book instead of doing some virtual stalking?

Deco

Cinema Confectionary counters

Hello my wonderful bluetitted brothers and sisters, how are we today? Great, good for you. Fuck off. Some of you may know Im a big Cinema goer; from the first film I ever saw in the Tallaght picturehouse in 1993 (Dennis the menace), to the 3 times a week I go today; I thoroughly enjoy kicking back with a bucket of popcorn in a dark room full of strangers and masturbating furiously to a 27 foot pair of celebrity bangers. Sex scenes aside, I just enjoy the idea of watching an epic battle or becoming emersed in the visuals of an alien planet, on a screen that is literally 800 times bigger than my TV at home. Seriously, who doesnt? But I do have one gripe: The confectionary stand. I think Ive reached the point where I believe there is an essential degree of ineptitude that is looked for when these primates are being interviewed for the job. With the invention of Facebook and how employers use it to scout candidates, I can only assume in this case they look for statements under the 'about me' section alikened to; 'Hi, Im Deborah and I enjoy eating hats' and 'Hello there, Im Jonathan, In my spare time I like to go to the park and feed deer'. However their process of recruitment unfolds Im sure its something very very special - and I dont mean special in a Leona Lewis high-note kind of way (I actually levitated during her debut performance of 'Run' - it was glorious). Maybe its ironic that when Im going to see a remake of Dawn of the dead, the staff monkeys are bumbling around behind the popcorn stand mumbling inaudible idiosyncrasies of the very Zombies from that film; 'Braaains'. It once took so long to prepare my highly complex order of popcorn, a hotdog and a large Coke that I missed the first 15 minutes of The Dark Knight; the clerk was drooling out one side of his mouth, his eyes looked like big black bong balls and he clambered around like a bid awkward daddy long legs. Not to mention, he sold me a ticket for a showing that started an hour earlier. That was clever wasnt it you bottomfeeder? Then when they finally complete the task you've given them, they deliver a smug kind of look of accomplishment. Sorry but you can stick that weiner right up your ringhole. I used to work in a cinema when I was younger, I thought it would be a great job because I loved films so much. But make no mistake, a ground level cinema job is just a cleaning job. I recall I had been asked to clean the toilets because some little beaver-child bastard had blasted a fecal avalanche out of his arse with such force that the ceramic exploded; instantly killing the kid and flooding the bathroom in a thick layered liquid shite blanket. There I stood looking at the shit just floating on by, mop in hand, shit everywhere, so much shit. Big black brown shit. There was so much shit I didnt know where the old shit ended and the new shit began. I hate shit. So, the great employee that I was, I plotted a route to the toilet bowl, reached over the log that was blocking my way and flushed the toilet again. The shit just kept coming. It looked like the toilet was getting sick, only the vomit was shit. I put cones outside the toilet restricting entry. Then I went to locker room for a couple of minutes. My team leader at the time came to me; 'Declan did you clean the toilet?'. I replied; 'yes why?'. He responded, 'its flooded again, someone must have flushed'. Declan responds -'No way, well i've cleaned it, can you get someone else to clean it again please?' - 'Sure'. SLAM DUNK! Im off to to the Ben & Jerry's stand to eat one of their revoltingly named ice-creams. Yes nothing makes me want to spend 11Euro on an egg cup sized portion of ice-cream like the name 'Phish food' (Conjures up a pong of stale tuna), 'Fossil Fuel' (Oh yes, lets eat something thats named after toxic gases that are formed from dead organisms) and 'Smores' (Sounds like a smurf thrush infection). Actually, after writing this post Im never going to the cinema again...

Bottomline - Deer eat grass Jonathan